Abi's Blog

Mother’s Day

It’s Mother’s Day.

That’s not a bad thing, I just feel…slightly unsettled. I guess lately I’ve had babies on the brain; and so have other people. Kris asked me when I was going to get pregnant; and then Ashlee asked the same thing. And he asked what I was going to do when Maddie grows up and wants to go find her mother, who’s slowly disappearing from her life.

Truth is, I feel like I’m her mother more then Kat is. Kat has her own life in Ohio. Madelyn stays with us, and by default, me much more then Kat. I bathe her, clothe her, play with her on a daily basis. I’ve taught her to walk and to say her abc’s. She’s two, and I can say I’ve done more for her then her mother has.

I don’t know if Kat is a bad mother or if she is just angry that her and Tray didnt work out. I think she resents me to a degree (she definitely hates that I let Maddie be a girl- Kat would rather her be a tomboy); especially since I’m…well, I’m human. I’m not a were. I don’t want to be anything but human. I’ve seen the good and the bad sides of being vampire; of being were; of being fae…and I think I’ll just stay…human. Granted, I’m somewhat of a special human but…human nonetheless. More then that I think she resents that we didn’t roll over and let her take Maddie away; that we didn’t let her move to Ohio with the baby.

It was bad enough those first few months when she refused to let us see Maddie; when she insisted she wouldn’t let Tray see her until she was older. It was one of the only times I’ve put my foot down with him, making him take Kat to court for custody. I could see how much it tore him up inside to be away from his little girl and it tore me up to see him like that.

But things got better. We share custody, though Kat is spending more and more time in Ohio. She doesn’t answer calls half the time; she doesn’t come on her days. Maddie calls me “Amma”, which seems to be a strange take on Abi and Mama at once. It’s cute.

So when am I going to be a mother? I don’t know. I wasn’t sure how to answer Ashlee or Kris until today. I think, if motherhood is measured by kissing boo-boos and rocking to sleep, by bedtime stories and getting up in the middle of the night to soothe nightmares; if it’s categorized by baking cookies and teaching and cuddles when sick; if it’s this immense, all-consuming pride in this tiny, tiny human that’s rapidly growing up before your eyes? Then I can say I’m already a mother.

One day we’ll give Madelyn Elise Dawson some siblings. I think Tray would like a little boy. One day our family will grow. But for now I think I’ll enjoy watching our first daughter grow.